Ending a childish way of connecting to find an adult way of relating

The way we are able to connect and create nourishing relationships is affected by the binding experiences of our childhood.

As adults it is our responsibility to learn how to recover lost or damaged abilities, that interfere in our relationships and the way we treat others and ourselves in them.

One of the experiences that can create a difficulty for us today is a loss / separation (real or emotional) from a parent in childhood.

When we are young and a parent leaves us, our body cannot deal with that separation very well. It is as if something deep in us is occupied in looking for them and the absence may feel as a rejection.

Children are physically / energetically connected deeply to their parents. They need them to survive and they are part of the bridge they have to the world.

No matter if we have lived in a nourishing loving environment or not, our body is keeping its survival mechanism of creating a constant movement towards our birth parents. We may not miss them, or think highly of them, but this has nothing to do with our innate connection. When they leave this need to be connected, held, and protected by them, is being activated in us.

It might be translated into thinking we did something wrong, into feeling not good enough. Or into a fear of loss and separation that dictates the way we hold on to people. It may also be seen as coldness and not caring, not connecting to others.

But even if we have moved through all those emotional baggage and old fears and manage to heal and let go, there is still a deeper need that is left in us.

It may be that your parents separated, or one of them have died. It may be that one of them was not present due to emotional difficulties and old burdens they carried.

No matter what it was, the absence was felt and has activated an unconscious movement within you of looking for them. One of trying to find them and connect.

It is as if something in you is pulling upwards and outwards; Like an unseen arm trying to search in the dark, or a periscope that is held in your belly and is stretched out to search what can sooth the fear of that felt rejection and being left alone.

If we manage to identify that old movement in us, sooth it, and train to stop creating it, we will be able to truly complete that story. We will be able to find a full closure to that loss and separation. We will be able to conduct from a stable, adult-like, place being able to move with the flow and changes in every relationship and achieve intimacy as well as freedom in them.

To do that you will have to take the time to connect to your physical experience, to find that movement within you.

It might be a movement felt as an effort rising up from your belly, tightening it and squeezing your chest. Maybe even shooting into your neck and head. It can be a tightness in the chest while you may be feeling endlessly lost and alone.

It may be a felt as if you have to maintain a constant effort and hold yourself together, or otherwise you will be falling, loosing yourself, having no inner footing otherwise.

It may be a pressure you feel to act to do, to push yourself. As if something behind you is pushing you to move forward. To be better, to reach a goal that will save you and give you relief.

These are just few options.

You may find your own version of it.

It might be easy to take a moment and think of that parent /s you have been separated from.

Then take the time to sense what happens in your body. There might be a sea of emotions or maybe just the opposite: a numbness and nt caring that you have developed to protect yourself from it.

Try to keep on breathing and giving yourself the time to recognize and move through those emotions/numbing.

Once you moved through them, felt them, recognized them, try to follow the sensations in your body and the movement in you (the “past you”) that is either trying to hold on, search for a solution, or understanding that is translated in holding.

Now once you found it, stay with it. It may increase in intensity, as you intentionally focus on that need or worry.

When that happens, don’t fight it. The opposite, use it as a way to gain more clarity and more conscious choice that will later enable you to let go and complete and be free from the old loss.

How old do you feel with that effort? And what is it that you as a child tried to do? How did you try to connect to that “lost” parent?

Feel the question in you: “why did you go?” or “where are you?” or anything along those lines.

When you do, say it out loud.

Repeat it a few times, and let the “volcano” of sensations erupt beneath that holding effort.

Allow yourself to ask and being all that old fear, sadness, anger onto the surface. It is old emotions that need to flow rather than be held or solved.

Make sure you are breathing deeply and allowing your body to move as it needs, it maybe that your voice needs expression when you cry…

Then just say: “I needed you…”

Give this sentence time to resonate and release itself, as it may be not that easy to say. Breathe to make sure you are letting go and opening those places in your body, that were held before.

(No matter if you hated your parent or loved them, you still needed them. If you can, try to find the place from which you can express that need.)

When you feel that you have allowed all of that repressed and held movement, emotions and expression to flow, sit and lean back while breathing deeply. Choose to follow a movement in your body that is moving downwards. Into your pelvis and legs. Choose to feel the stability of your bones and the ability to be stable without holding or tightening.

Try to find the place of softness that is soothing your body.

Feel where you are in life. Feel that you are a capable adult.

You can think of your parent/s and while maintaining the choice of expanding your breath, follow the movement in you. The one that flows downwards. The one , that is the natural footing you have now.

When you connect to that movement and sensation,

say:“shame”. (Directing it towards that parent.)

You can always repeat it few times slowly, to move through whatever in you is still holding.

Taking the time to feel, sense and sooth.

Your choice of ending that search and landing into your adult-being into your footing and rootedness, is a choice you need to consciously nourish for a while… Especially in those moments you get entangled and over react…

Being anchored in that physical experience, think of a relationship you have today and perceive with this experience you have just went through:

How can you be now? What can change for you in it? What can you now be free of?

What can you let in better and how can you be more of an “adult” in it?

What can you be able to naturally give without waiting to receive as a reward?

What efforts are you abpe to let go of?

Can you express simply what you do not like/ not want without falling into blaming?

Can you trust yourself to stay true to yourself while being connected?

I suggest you to take the time to do the exercise and repeat it for a few times. You will be then better able to recognize that movement in your daily life and sooth that old need.

I wish healthy nourishing and enjoyable relationships,

Anna

Photo by Josue Michel on Unsplash