Free from the freezing fear of rejection

Hello

Can you close your eyes for a moment and try to sense your physical experience (which includes your emotional and thoughts), when you think of the moments you are afraid of being rejected in some way?

When/where in your life do you meet this fear of rejection most?

How does it feel to be occupied with a possible rejection? What do you do and how do you try to prepare yourself for that option?

What kind of rejection are you focused on? Is it criticism for being not good enough? Is it a fear of being ridiculed? Is it a fear of being blamed for doing wrong? Is it a fear of disappointing someone? Can it be a fear of being met with some sort of violence and coldness?

You know, it may seem to you that this fear is definitely reflecting reality. You may believe it to be 100% true. It may not always be that easy to recognize this fear as something that you carry into the situation. This kind of fear is often one that you carry from childhood, that it became part of your normal way of doing/not doing things as well as the way you behave around people.

It is a layer that got frozen on and within you. An unmovable fear, one that is deforming the way you feel yourself and the world.

Think of it as being a coat you have put on yourself for protection years ago and forgot to take it off. It already sems to be your second skin. You already forgot you have it on and you have got used to the limitations it puts you in, as the years went by. The discomfort you feel at times, is because you have outgrown it.

We often experience rejection as very unpleasant. We tend to suffer from it and fear it. This is the result of the way our need to connect got hurt sometime in out childhood.

As children whatever we experience is the way we learn to be and manage in this world.

The way people treat us, is the way we learn to understand who we are.

We could not distinguish so well when our parents, siblings, or other caregivers, reject us or shame us out of their own short comings. It always feels as if we are the source of it and thus we are the ones that cannot be loved. The ones who are not good enough. Or the ones to blame for their pain and suffering.

As we continuously strive for connections, and would do everything to feel it and create it as children, we then internalize that rejection and it becomes simply the way life is and the way we are.

When our efforts are rejected again and again the wounds become deeper.

As children living in a state of dependency, we have to find ways to deal with that “amputation” of contact or that torture of ambivalence.

The protection coat we put on becomes part of our character.

Some of us flee into a the safety of arrogance and distance, where we may be feeling safe and powerful behind that wall of no emotions, no needs and reduced physical sensations.

We become proud of our ability to endure anything and need nothing.

Some of us may become shy or make ourselves smaller than we are. We may be “great behind closed doors” but would not manage to share it with others.

And some will use their defenses though rage attacks and various violent expressions each time there might be a slight smell of possible rejection and the old shame may be seen or felt.

And of course there are many others styles to that fear - of - rejection - coat.

Mostly the coats are a patchwork of different styles we move between depending on the area of our lives.

But the material out of which the coat is made is always the same.

If we start to identify it, feel it as being separated from us, we can have a chance to undo those tight buttons of shame, let the seams of criticism and even self-hate tear, and get rid of that horrible smell of old and dark times that takes away our ability to freely breath and move, dance and even reach our arms to connect with someone freely.

There is a big surprise when we manage to take off that coat by letting the old fear move in us rather than stay frozen.

Life starts to open us to us. People start to look different in our eyes and we suddenly are able to surprise ourselves with all those parts of ourselves that were unmovable, untouchable and un-expressible.

Then suddenly the way we have viewed the world, the way we were sure things were bound to happen, as well as how we were convinced of what is possible or impossible for us, evaporates like a cloud of illusions. Instead, the warm and strong hands of life reach into our souls and we can finally let go, we can finally dare, and we can finally just be and trust what is within us.

Now- If you now can close your eyes again and try to feel that frozen fear again, try to collect more sensual information of how you hold yourself in that: Can you imagine how much of that coat defined the people you unconsciously allowed in your life and those you did not? Or how much it defined the way others saw you?

And how much it restricted your choices and actions?

But… this coat does not protect you from anything anymore!

All it does is trapping you in the fear of rejection, holding you apart from the way you would like to be and the depth of yours connections. It keeps you trapped in an illusions that your self-doubt is real.

Now let’s rip off that coat.

Let’s tear it.

Let’s dare to free all of those emotions and sensations that got trapped under it without viewing it with so much shame or hate.

Let’s let it all move and allow that natural need for connection and interaction heal.

Are you ready to do that? Are you ready to tear that coat and refuse it each time you are offered to wear a similar one, even it feels so familiar? Even if the fear of rejection will creep in?

Are you ready to blow that cloud of illusion? It will tickle and challenge your ego…

Are you willing to exchange that disconnect from yourself with the deep connection to that warm fire within that naturally knows where are the best doors for connections, and how to keep that deep strength within alive, flexible and humane?

If you do… take a deep breath and start to move with all of your body in a way that will tear that coat. Take your hands and with a tearing movement pull that stickiness of that cloth away from your arms, chest and belly.

Breath and bring that strong determination of refusing to be stuck within that coat.

Dare to be seen!

Now stand and breathe deeply allowing all that moves in you to be alive.

Fill up your belly and chest with fresh air and feel the space in those areas.

Refuse to disconnect. Stay connected to the sensation, even if there is a wave of shame, sadness, or anger that needs to move through.

Pay attention to your bones and mainly to your pelvis.

Be aware of how your legs are connected to the floor.

Feel what do you want to be connected to and promise to yourself and to that “thing” to never disconnect!

If you now think of moments you were afraid of rejection, how do they look to you now?

What options have opened up for you to do or be?

What doors are now there for you to step through and show yourself?

Decide to connect and bring your attention to those that will love you for that, even if there will be those who won’t.

Train your attention to connect and search for the places you and others want to connect.

Show yourself and dare to see others.

Yours,

Anna

Photo by Jakayla Toney on Unsplash