Freeing yourself from fear-based expectation.

Oftentimes, we carry expectations that are a result of unsafe times. At times, we had to be prepared and find our safety in front of threats and hurts to our bodies, spirit, and hearts.

We may have experienced times of being ridiculed at school. It may have been growing up in the shadow of an aggressive parent, or a depressed one.

It may have been a time of being subjected to constant criticism from teachers that could have broken us. Or maybe we were emotionally neglected in some way.

We all lived through a time of having our young needs unmet or burdened by the trauma and lack of the adults around us.

Our survival mechanism helped us find safety by learning the danger and locking that knowledge in the form of expectations: look for signs that would help us anticipate what was coming.

It then helped us find the best inner armor to stay protected.

Today, as adults, keeping those expectations alive, is not supporting us anymore. It keeps us held in the past, separate from our sense of power and confidence we can enjoy.

It reduces the trust we can experience and the fulfillment we can expand into.

We interpret our surroundings based on our old helpless and threatened selves, rather than meeting who we are today and the novelty life can offer.

Expectations are like old band-aids we did not dare to take off.

We keep putting them on with every new relationship, every new adventure, and a new and unknown moment. It is part of the way we try to make the unknown, known.

We are surprised and angered when they fall off, and we are met with our hurts, wounds, longings, and other “unwanted” feelings or aspects of ourselves, we learned to cover with shame.

We accuse everyone and everything that seem to touch us and make us feel. Meet our hurt places. When that band-aid falls, we get disappointed. But we also meet that old wounded part, we may still believe to be weak, helpless, or in danger.

A band-aid cannot serve us for a long time, nor can it heal us.

It is a wonderful protection for a short amount of time. It lets us have the protection needed to make sure that the energy of healing is not disturbed or burdened.

But the band-aid must fall off one day. We must let that wounded part get stronger, trust it, and integrate it. It can happen when we let the fresh air touch it- the NOW.

A big part of keeping that expectation band-aid on is held in our fear and not knowing how to move through the hurt.

How to move through those feelings and intensities we meet in life?

Some of the signs of having those old expectations active, those old band-aids are when we get overly angry, accusatory, feel like a victim, become cold, shut off, drowning in self-hate, depression, or overanalyzing.

It is the way we get disappointed by the expectations we carry. It creates a separation between ourselves and others.

The band-aid is the way we get defensive for example. Or when we get stressed and panicky. Or when we pretend nothing is wrong or are hurt or feel vulnerable. The band-aid is the effort we needed to make within ourselves to shield what may have been hurt. It may have been an effort to numb our bodies and escape to a fantasy land. Or it may have been the way we suppressed our anger. Or it may have been the way we felt ashamed of who we were, creating an unconscious effort to reduce “overcome” ourselves, or hide.

This band-aid is a layer that keeps us isolated, less touched, and loved. Less happy and involved and touched by life.

When we try to keep that band-aid on and carry those old expectations, we tend to have a list of conditions we think must be fulfilled for us to feel safe or well.

Conditions that make it difficult for others to be with us, and for us to be as we are.

Conditions that substitute our sense of being safe, capable, and at ease within ourselves.

No one of us has walked or will walk through life without getting hurt or rejected.

Without experiencing fear. Without facing some challenging moments.

But we can stop “walking” and stay put in the same disappointments, fears, and choices if we do not learn how to drop those old expectations.

We have all that we need in us to heal. We have an abundance of beauty and the power to live the way we would like to.

It is in us to fulfill our dreams and nourish our talents. It is a part of our blueprint to enjoy loving relationships and fulfilling friendships.

What we need to do is to drop those expectations. Let go of those old band-aids.

Learn to manage our hurt, fears, vulnerability, and sense of helplessness.

Be ready to meet those difficult feelings in ourselves, and with giving them space in our perception and body.

It will enable you to communicate better and kinder in difficult moments as well as in joyful times. Say your truth without needing to intentionally hurt anyone else.

It will allow you to be truly heard and have the chance to invite more love and support into your life.

It will allow you to move with more ease, confidence, and passion toward your wishes.

Take a moment to think about your wet band-aid.

What do you expect when you meet new people- what is your expectation you carry in the background? How do you prepare inside?

What do you think you have to do when you meet men or women?

When did you meet your boss or your employee?

When do you want to speak up?

When do you want to share your success or difficulty?

You can start and be aware of the expectations you carry and bring with you to those interactions.

Try to identify how to do you create a protective shield.

Some of the expectations are based on actual truths you may find in the situation, but how do you interpret those truths? How much of that old shield do you need to create?

What is that story you tell yourself about the situation, its outcome, who you have to be, and what the other person asks from you?

You can also identify those old band-aids and fear-based expectations in the moments you get stuck in anger and accusation.

When you are tip-toeing around some people.

It can also hide when you tend to see the world only in dark colors being certain that what you want and who you have no place.

When you catch a moment like this, stay with it.

Direct your attention to your body and feel where can you find an effort of blocking, defending, reducing, and freezing.

Take a moment and try to just feel it, without needing to immediately change it.

Try to register the atmosphere you get trapped in.

Remember that you are getting in contact with an old way of being you developed under threat. The treat is gone.

You are aiming to find your way out of that old “prison cell” remember it has no guard anymore.

The door is as thin as a band-aid.

Maybe the memory connected to this old expectation will come to your mind.

After a few moments, start to breathe deeper, and connect to your body and who you are today. At the same time, start to move gently, maybe sway, freeing yourself from that frozenness.

Imagine that you are secretly starting to dance your way out of the cell. You start to move gently feeling that the band-aid can finally drop.

Breathe and allow the movements to expand gently.

Feel it in your spine, your neck, shoulders, belly, and hips for example.

Breathe into the area that seemed to need that shield, and feel how you can dare to open it up when you connect the whole of your body and the ability to move.

Feel what shifts in the situation for you.

Try to take a few days in which you commit to catching those old expectations and melting them.

When you do, give yourself time alone to breathe and digest the old fear in your body, time to breathe into the old pain so that it can have a chance to heal and transform.

After a few days, pay attention to what kind of new freedom to be, you may sense. What shifts in you and in your relationships? Do your wishes have more space, clarity, and enthusiasm?

Enjoy your band-aid-free life

Anna

Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash