How much weight should we give to the opinions of others? Listening from a place of inner power.

Opinions of people can matter, but we give them too much power at times, either by trying too much to prove ourselves or by shrinking and not daring.

When do you tend to care what other people think of you?

When do you tend to feel insecure and ashamed?

When and how do you judge yourself the most? Can you recall a person whose opinion was important that has criticized you, perhaps similarly?

If you have experienced, especially as a child, hurtful criticism, being looked down upon, and being painfully misunderstood, it is a wound that can create a very thick scar over your heart and mind. Criticism like that, which aims to put down, can cut deep.

So, to make sure we were safe, we had to create a protection shield around that wound. It is as if we had to create a protective tissue not to break while the fear or threat of that recurring opinion was not over. The fear made us push against it, prove it wrong, or believe it. In both ways, it had power that was moving or blocking us.

When a wounded area in the body is in protection mode, never getting the message that all is well, it keeps growing scar tissue. It becomes thicker and affects everything around the wound, which creates more problems.

With time, our internal scar tissue regarding how we perceive ourselves becomes stiff, holding us back in insecurities, feelings of shame, and disconnect from what we need and want. We keep on giving power to the opinions of others. It might not even look like it on the outside, but deep down, we can feel it. We can feel how we need to harden ourselves; maybe we are easily irritated, stressed, or in fighting mode. We may feel out of place and not “good enough,” a fraud. We are hurting but forgot where the wound is.

As adults, the opinions of others should not have power over us. They can hurt at times, but they cannot break us. They do if we are disconnected from ourselves through that old wound and scar tissue. If we do not know how to meet the pain and the hurt without putting ourselves down (or others) simultaneously, we are in for a challenging ride.

Let's say your parents gave you the feeling or told you:” You are too much.” Your parents were trying to protect themselves by putting you down… maybe they were stressed and could not deal with you. Perhaps they were overwhelmed or afraid they could not be good enough for you…their fear and lack came out at you. By trying to block you, stop your vitality…But of course, as a kid, this goes deep.

Very deep.

You keep on saying that sentence to yourself over and over again. Each time you want something, express something, dance around. You start to observe and search for hints for that opinion. It means you grow that scar tissue.

You may be constantly reflecting on whether you are too much or not. Or maybe you become tired of that and start to pump yourself: close yourself to others when you say or do things. You become pushy and harsh to protect yourself, to push that possible hurt away from you. To prove they can't reach you and hurt you.

In both ways, you are held by the opinions of others.

Opinions should be something you learn to listen to and see where others are. Opinions are the reflections of the worldview of others. Of their fears, needs, weaknesses, perspectives, and talents.

They can inspire you, open new avenues, or show you where a person is stuck. They can become a description of the emotional state of the world around you. What are open pathways, and where are some closed doors? The map you get enables you to move better, with more ease, not to trap you.

But it would be best if you learned to listen without being wounded.

Listening while you are fully present in who you are. Not busy with self-criticism or pumping up. Listening while being grounded. Ready to feel yourself and others. You have agency over your choices and needs and do not get stuck or pushed by the opinions of others.

Listening is possible when you have your power within you.

Feel who you are with all your hurts, strengths, fears, and abilities. Listen with an open heart, warm belly, and grounded legs. With a flexible spine and relaxed jaw.

This is when you have your power within you and not given to others.

This is when you can listen to opinions, not disconnect from yourself, and not freeze or need to harden and push.

Try to do that when you listen to people.

Train to connect to your experience when you listen.

Where are your sensitive points, and what scars or wounds are there?

Try to identify where this wound is in your body.

For 5 minutes a day, sit with it. Please close your eyes and reconnect to that wounded place and the hurt it carries. With your fingers or hand, rub it in circles as if you are trying to melt or calm the still-active scar.

Breathe, and whatever intensity is there, let it be there.

Breathe to it.

In your mind, you can say from time to time: “It is a shame they could not appreciate it.”

Keep on breathing and see what comes up.

Repeat this for a while until you can feel that the old fear and criticism are not that powerful anymore, and the place in your body is not so sensitive anymore.

Each time you train, at the end of the training, choose what you will do today that will support that healing.

For example, if you deal with being too much, think where you meet it, and choose to say, do, or feel whatever it is, you hold yourself back instead.

Or if it is the fear that you are not enough or can’t do it that still has power over you, choose to do one action you usually criticize yourself about. Think of yourself as the grown-up in the room you wished for as a child. One that sees you supports you, and appreciates you.

Train to listen while opening your ears and breathing to ensure you do not close your chest or contract your belly. Lean back each time you find yourself wanting to react.

You can also do a swallowing movement, as it brings action to the belly and stops the effort of freezing and resisting stuck in your thoughts from the past.

Sometimes, we give power to those opinions when we are alone, when we plan or think of what we want to do. Try to identify the thought and criticism you have, and give it a shape, a form- it can be inside or outside of you.

You can then do the same steps as described above.

I wonder how you will shift your sense of ease, confidence, compassion, and interactions. I am sure it will free you more of what you want and did not dare to feel, express, or follow.

May the power be with you,

Anna

Photo by 愚木混株 cdd20 on Unsplash