Our personal initiation into adulthood lies in mastering our (past) fears

Fear is a normal experience we humans have. Many of our choices have an element of fear in them. Fear is the energy with which we sense what we want and need. It is what makes us move to make sure we do not lose it or damage ourselves.

But there is a big difference between fear and fearfulness.

When fear simply moves in us, we are not fearful. We can be determined, excited, relaxed, and curious. It is the natural way with which we respond to the unknown and the way the unknown is opening new doors for us.

Fearfulness, on the other hand, is how we shut those doors. It is how we try not to be touched by what happens around us and effortfully try to control it.

Fearfulness and our need to control, are the results of accumulated fears that were not attended to. Fears got stuck in us as we could not act in the way that we needed nor wanted.

When we had to “swallow” them. When we could not refuse. When we could not ask for what we needed. When we had to function. When hurtful and damaging situations were happening for too long and there was nothing, we could do about it.

Fearfulness is when we feel that we have no choice. When we lose trust in ourselves. When we become hard and harsh. When we try to manage and control everything around us to fit with what we think is “better”, or “right” and will make us feel better.

It is when we get stuck in accusations and blame.

When we get trapped in a sense of lack of worth. When we give power to others. When we get stressed and cannot stop.

We may not call it fearfulness. It may look just the opposite on the outside, but within ourselves, we may feel inadequate. Rejected. Mistrusting.

Learning to navigate life as a child was complex for us in different ways.

We had to find our way while being in a power-structures that could not be shifted. Where we were dependent and in need of support, love, connection, and acceptance.

We were also engulfed in the worldview and emotional (dis)abilities of our family, which of course dictated what was (un)available to us.

Many of the choices we made out of the circumstances we grew up in, were necessary for us to feel safe and loved. Those choices shaped how we felt and saw ourselves. They shaped the way we perceived the world and life.

It may have meant that at times we chose to close off or retreat into ourselves. It may have meant that we learned that the best way would be to please others or to make sure we excel at all costs for us to get the needed attention. It may have meant that we read our surroundings knowing that in order to suffer less and fit in more, we had to hide parts of ourselves and so on.

Those choices stayed with us. They became part of our “character”.

We may even see them today as a sign of us being strong.

But these choices were done for the purpose of survival at a particular time in our lives.

Children, being dependent and needing the time to grow and strengthen into independent adults, some of the fears we were facing were not tended to. They were too big for us so we had to find a way to manage them.

These choices and the unresolved fears they are based on are buried in us and at times we are not even aware of them.

We see them as the truth. Of how things are… of how not to be again in a state of dependency and toxic vulnerability.

So, when those choices, inner structures, responses, and beliefs, that stemmed from fearfulness, get reactivated today, they block us.

They mislead us.

They burden our relationships.

They may become nasty, or submissive.

They make us get trapped in unhealthy work environments.

They may lead us to find solace in addictions.

And they may make our sense of self, dependent on others.

They may show themselves with different physical symptoms and emotional difficulties.

Becoming an adult, we carry the responsibility to learn how to shift from fearfulness to dauntlessness; Shifting into finding a sense of being wholesome no matter what our circumstances. Towards being aware of the choice we have not to be nasty or cold when we feel something uncomfortable. Feeling the power we have, has nothing to do with the power others have or lack.

Knowing that when we surrender, we are not giving ourselves up.

Learning to shift that old fearfulness (the trauma we carry), is the crossing line toward our healthy adulthood. Towards the path that is ours to take. Towards the fullness of life that we can live.

Are you willing to cross that line?

If you do, remember that it is a choice that you are asked to practice continuously.

A choice with which you are calling all the old fearfulness to the surface.

A calling aimed to release it, by meeting it.

A choice with which you cannot expect to always be the “winner”.

A choice that will lead you to open new avenues for yourself.

A choice with which you will be able to meet the unknown with confidence and curiosity.

A choice with which you will be freed from needing to control others.

A choice with which abundance will be a constant part of our experience.

To start this path, we need to know how to identify fearfulness and how to let it move in us.

Every place in your body where you feel stiffness, for example, tension or numbness is a great place to start with.

Choose one area: it can be your shoulders, jaw, your back, your chest, legs, or belly.

Put an alarm for 5 min.

You can choose to do it sitting standing or lying down.

Then start to breathe really deep for one minute: 5 deep breaths and a short break then again 5 deep breaths and then a short break and so on. Until one minute is over.

Allow dizziness to take place and try to relax into it and let go of your head and neck. The dizziness is part of oxygen coming in but also because through the breath you are moving stuck energy and fearfulness which you tend to suppress and control.

This is the sign that a shift is ready to happen.

Then for three minutes move that specific area of your body. Move it without stopping. Three minutes is a long time and you will encounter the need to stop. But carry on. The aim is to move beyond that normal conscious control over that area and let it start to move beyond the old structure held in it. You want the expression of whatever the fear of the past needed to take place.

You can make circles for example. If circles are not possible that curves, or 8.

Circles are movements we usually do not do and they are also breaking the structures of control that tend to be sharper and more linear.

Make sure that you are breathing while you are moving, using the breath to welcome and move the energy that starts to get released.

When the three minutes are over, repeat the one minute of deep breaths as you did in the beginning.

When the 5 minutes are over, give yourself some time to be attentive to what you experience, and what may come up as well as to integrate what you have experienced.

Then think of one fear that you have.

It can be the fear of being alone.

Fear of saying NO to someone.

Fear of losing something.

A fear that you know takes a toll on you and you would like to release.

When you think of that fear, feel how you immediately respond to it in your body.

What happens to that area that you have trained with?

How does it respond to that fear/fulness?

What are you trying to prevent from feeling?

Stay with it and give yourself time to be aware of how this fear/fulness controls your body. How it shapes your sense of confidence.

How it shapes the way you see yourself, others, and life?

How does it make you act?

How old do you feel with this fear/fulness?

And now ask yourself: So what if it will happen? (So what if I will be alone? So what if I will fail? So what if they would not like me or be angry? So what if I will not get it?)

And give yourself time to feel and be aware of the response you have- which is the storyline you are caught in….

Each time you ask yourself that question, let go of one area on your body and then see what happens.

Continue asking yourself, and let go of another part of your body each time you ask.

So what if they would not like me or be angry? And let go of the shoulders but keep your arms and chest and neck and legs held as they are…

Then listen to the response, and what comes up.

Then use again the sentence so what if… and the content of the response (Or the same question over and over again), and then let go of the neck or jaw, while the rest is held. So now you have to areas that you have chosen to let go of.

Keep on doing that at least 5 times, until you feel that there is relief and a new clarity comes.

Allow every emotion and sensation to be there while breathing into it.

When you have released all of your body and you feel something new is opening and you are ready to let go of that old fearfulness-based choice or view you carry, start to move all of your body without stopping for one minute, while you breathe really deep.

Then if you are not standing, stand. Keep your eyes closed.

See that fearfulness in your mind’s eye, or who you had to become with it and for it.

Take a deep breath and with your hands/ fingers start to pull away from those layers of stuck fear and defense layer. It is the old skin that needs to be taken off, in order for you to grow into the adult that you are.

Feel your legs, allow them to move, and connect to your capability and strength.

Then take a moment and imagine a line in front of your chest. Like those ribbons, a runner has to tear when getting to the finishing line.

Take a deep breath and take a step forward crossing that line into the now. The now of your personal freedom, of the adult that you are.

To complete this experience, take a moment to breathe, connect to the experience in your body and choose to let go of that old fearfulness, the beliefs it held, the need for control, the stiffness, and everything else connected to it.

Embrace the new space that opens up for yourself. Choose from now on to embrace your fear. Commit to relax and breathe into your fear, so that it can give the unbending connection to your truth and wishes. So that the unknown will be the door where all the glory of your life can unfold.

To remind yourself of this new choice, each time you feel stressed, frozen, or stuck, start tapping on your chest a few times, creating vibrations in it through the bones and muscles.

Enjoy the clear view, away from fearfulness

Yours

Anna

Photo by Joey Nicotra on Unsplash