Stop using the arrows of blame; How to stay connected and free in your relationships.

Relationships tend to get messy when we get entangled in some old unresolved stories we and others are (unknowingly) holding.

We, more often than not, do not perceive them as a something that changes or distorts our perception. With time, they became a second nature to us. They became the narrative upon which we conduct ourselves and interpret the world.

These background stories stem from past experiences, in which we were dependent or helpless. Times we had to adapt and unconsciously choose reactions and action that were supposed to let us better survive and manage. We keep carrying those stories (ways of being, acting, feeling and thinking) as a protection to those hurting places in us.

When we get entangled in those stories the frozen or asleep unresolved experiences, get reactivated. This activation has the power to put us in a time warp.... we are suddenly catapulted into the past.... to the worst moments we wanted so much to escape from.

Our view changes. Suddenly the person we are engaging with today, seems to be the same one that had power over us in the past (As they may carry similar aspects to those people in our past).

We do not see nor feel that person as a whole. We reduce them to one aspects that fit to that story.

We see a hologram of someone else.

At the same time, we lose our ground: who we are today, what we need and what we can. Floating in that time warp, disconnected from ourselves, we shrink into that younger or smaller presence.

Luckily, we cannot stay completely in a time warp. Our heart beats powered by the deep need to be free. Its rhythm tries to find the music of the NOW. We will always try to find a way to be free, when we feel trapped somewhere.

There is always a path that can bring us to that freedom and inner strength. A path for livelihood and connectedness.

But in our search for that path, we will not always use the best ways...one of those not-best-ways is, to blame others, or / and ourselves.

Our efforts to blame are like arrows of defense we shoot blindly. We hope to create a safe zone. We try to keep away anything that may make us feel "bad", weak, afraid, hurt, ashamed.....anything that will remind us of how we have had to betray ourselves or how we were compromised and let down.

But those arrows of blame can lead us towards an inner freedom, if we manage to use them wisely.

Holding on to blame with an unbending conviction is a blinding force, no matter how “right” our observations are.

When blinded to what is unpleasant for us and what we fear to feel, we have to do so by disconnecting.

When we disconnect, we act from past choices, memories and ideas. We cannot feel grounded nor stay in contact with our expansive, vital presence.

Being disconnected causes distress. Distress makes us over feel helpless and over react.

This can be reflected in arguing for too long, not wanting to listen. Keeping a blaming attitude that is easily being triggered. A blame behind which we can hide our inner compromises. Or we retreat into silent and frozen state.

Let's transform blame into a new power that can connect us rather then disconnect.

If we look at blame as the result of us being touched at a vulnerable and hurting place in ourselves, we can challenge ourselves to use that arrow to see. To follow its course and find the path back towards our strength.

To find the path back home, into ourselves. Into being able to be in touch with all of ourselves, no matter what it is in ourselves we are meeting.

To "own" it all. To give it space. To transform all hurt into new vitality, into embracing our humanity and the power it has.

Let's try to give blame a stage for a moment. Let's hear what it tries to ask us to find. Let's use the wish for power held in blame to reconnect and transform to a sense of inner strength, wholesomeness, and a confidence. One we can stay connected with especially when we are meeting what is hurting in us.

Think of a person you would like to shift and better your relationship with.

** It may mean that you will find a healthy distance without bitterness or a path to more intimacy and trust. You will find your ground, be connected to who you are, that you will not need any more to compromise yourself or want others to do so for your sake.

When you think about that person, pay attention to what pops in your mind.

Which blame do you carry in this relationship ?

What do you blame that person for? Or how do you see this person as “wrong”?

Where do you feel it hurts you? How do you blame them when you feel weak, or unstable?

How do you blame them when you are seeing yourself as the giving too much /more without a fitting acknowledgement or giving back from their part?

It may be easier to let all of that “out”, if you write it all down.

Give yourself the freedom to do so without trying to filter what you write, or make it seem not so bad.

After you have allowed yourself to pour all that out, close your eyes and pay attention to how you hold that blame in all of yourself: thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations (efforts).

Now remember and notice that this blame is trying to protect you from something within you. Some experience that may feel too much for you or too vulnerable.

Pay attention to what exactly does it try to protect?

What does it try to validate within you?

The blame tries to bring some part of into the light. A part that yourself that was suffocated, tucked away or ignored. What it is?

(It may bring memories of other relationships where those hurts have happened. Let them come to the surface)

When you hold the “question” of what is it you are trying to protect through the blame, in order to let the “answer” in, try to let go of efforts you may be doing to create that illusion of protection.

Try to bring some space and movement to that place in your body by either moving gently, or / and with your expanding breath.

This is the way you can allow the stuck old fear, flow and turn into release. Into an energy you can take on today, transform and free form the past hurt or trauma.

Now put your hands on that place in your body you feel that the blame was trying to protect. And with your hands “protecting” or “holding and stabilizing” that area, breath to it or as close as you can and try to move the places in your body around this place. (For example: if it is your chest, then move your shoulders and neck, as well as the lower ribcage and belly.)

Pay attention to your legs and pelvis. Give yourself the time to connect to them, feeling the muscles and the bones. (Sometimes, contracting and releasing the muscles in those areas will enable you to feel them better.)

When you expand your sensations and movements in your body, feel that place you are holding or protecting, and let it feel all of your body, your size, your strength, your life experience you have to make sure it is seen and heard.

And now, take your hands and start to spread them from that place as if you are pulling and stretching that area.

Go back to the initial position with your hands in that area, and with a larger breath, when inhaling, pull your hands and stretch that accumulated feeling, like spreading water throughout the surface of your body.

When you exhale, let go of your arms and feel how that sensation can expand and flow through your body.

Repeat it a few times, till you sense a state of quietness and stability. A state of being grounded. A state of knowing that you are not obliged to react. A state where you can be connected to that part of yourself without doubts if it has a place in the world.

Then think of that person again. Pay attention to how you sense the pace around you, and where does this person is for you?

What can you see now that you need to do/not do?

Can you be at ease with all of yourself next to this person?

Can you see them and where they are “stuck” that has nothing to do with you?

What have you now freed to feel and express?

Did the power or importance you gave to that person part/expression reduced?

What part of yourself came back home? Can you now be with it with no need to reduce, protect, fight or hide it?

Can you now feel the connectedness and the same time the space you have between you and that person?

Can you feel yourself whole?

Pay attention to that experience and try to bring it back again and again into your attention each time you meet that person. After a while, you will feel how naturally your relationships will shift and better. Maybe you will find ease together or a simple way of creating a needed distance.

Yours,

Anna

Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash