The fine line between blaming and saying what you need.

In every relationship we may be at one moment rubbed or rub others in the “wrong way”. In our relationships and especially the long ones, there are hurts, disappointments and needs that seem to stay unmet as well as ones that are not easy to properly express.

Often when we try to resolve those issues, we get tempted to grab onto blame.

It often times convinces us to be the best “weapon” to use: one with which we

feel safe and strong hiding behind, while we push the other into the corner.

Opening the door to blame is opening our interaction to a slippery slope.

Once we start moving towards that direction, it is very difficult to stop. We glide into a pit of accusations, where we unconsciously dig a hole to ourselves.

We may feel at the beginning that we are in the right.

We may feel strong cause we assume we are setting clear boundaries.

Or we may feel relieved to finally pay back for what we have suffered.

But what actually happens is that we get stuck in a place of being a victim. We get stuck in isolation and distance. And we unknowingly repeat a piece of our past where we were helpless and hurt.

Blame is a rope that we cannot climb upwards with. All it does is it carries us down into a dark hole. Into that piece of our history that has marked us. One where our sense of worth, of being loved and of our capability was broken or stolen.

It is not that our partners and friends never wrong us. They do. And it is important to express that. It is important to communicate what they have done that was hurtful and upsetting, so that we can move on, gain trust and continue to build and deepen our relationships.

But often times we, at that moment, when we are overwhelmed with our emotions and need a “drink of courage” we tend to take a sip of that blame. We start to push (through blame) against the fear in the conversation. The fear that reminds us those old wounds and experiences of being wronged without a seeing possibility for repair.

Blame then, seems to be the way we prove to ourselves that we are strong now. That we can also hit back. That we do not let things happen…But it all stems from the old helpless place.

So to make sure we are not creating unnecessary raptures in our relationship and to make sure that we do not carry those old dark places with us, let us let go of blame.

First as an emergency break do this: each time you want to throw out a blame out there for you to feel safe and have an outlet for your anger, just close your mouth. Take a deep breath and lean back for a moment. Or take a step back. Literally.

Drop the effort in your chest and arms.

Take another breath and wait before you say something.

If you still feel tempted to blame, say nothing.

Keep on breathing. Focus on the chest to soften it and again take a step back or gently lean back.

When you do decode to say something, make sure that you sense your legs and hips.

Then start the sentence with “I need….” .

To go a step further in your quest of letting go of blame, and bringing all of yourself back to “light” take time to do the following exercise:

Take a moment and pay attention to your chest.

Now start to slowly contract it as if you want to squeeze the middle of your chest as much as possible. Stay squeezed for couple of moments and then release the pressure.

Take few deep breaths and then repeat this 3 more times.

Think of the person you have the need for clarification and when you do so, pay attention to your chest and to this movement of squeezing that may be provoked.

Write down what has angered you.

Write the blame that you have without any restraints.

Then take a moment and write everything you appreciate and love about the person you have blamed.

Now take a moment to read your blame. After you read it, pay attention to the reaction it provokes in you - in your body.

Take time to stay with that reaction. Stay with it and “join it” adding more conscious and chosen effort to emphasize it, even if it may be inconvenient.

Intentionally keep that reaction and the various efforts in your body, so that you can learn what does the blame holds in you from your hurting and helpless piece of your past.

When you are “stuck in blame” what is it that you are so busy in resisting, and hating in the other person?

Feel how that effort to reject it, is making you hold and connect to that energy / that part or reaction that may come or comes from the person you are dealing with.

Feel how that effort of rejecting that, actually holds you trapped with that energy, which is actually a fear based attitude. Fear from that energy, from that reaction that you may have been experiencing in your childhood, with other.

Feel the need to blame, is a need to punish that person and “save” yourself.

Feel the effort on your chest mainly, and the way you close it and try to push the person away.

What would happen if you won’t do that? What is the fear that you carry that convinces you to become harsh in this way?

For a moment think again about the person you are “training with”. Dare to see and feel the place where that person is trapped, out of which they may have hurt you. See that what you are resisting is actually the world in which that person is trapped.

A world that is not yours to enter to.

Remember what you actually love about that person. Reflect which part of them, you know you can trust. Which part is ready to be touched and connect.

Now dare to let go of that effort in your chest and the need to blame and be right. Start engaging your breath to make sure you are creating a movement of expansion in your chest and your body.

Feel your back and sense the option of leaning backwards, taking a step back in a way.

Feel the choice of not needing to immediately jump and react to the part of that person that you so much want to “eradicate”, blame and make disappear, but rather to the part of that person that is one you can trust. One that is seeking contact.

And within you, feel how you can let go, step back. By sensing your chest and connecting to your pelvis and legs, feel your ability to choose not to “go forward” to attack.

By connecting to your legs and pelvis, feel your independence. Feel your ability to stand and be where ever you chose to. Your ability to walk away, if you so choose to.

Take a moment to sense that today you are able to step away.

Be aware of the memory of hurt and fear that this situation provokes in you. What made you become so determined to fight that moment between you and the person?

Take a moment to let it be. Continue to breath and relax your chest as well as be connected to the lower part of your body.

Feel the space behind you and to your sides, as a space that you are invited to expand into as a space that invites you to step away from being held trapped in that past experience, in your being helpless, or in the world of those people that made you hurt.

And then feel and think what is it that you need or want with and from that person in your life, when you are stepping away from connecting to the “bad” part of them, and stay connected to your own stability, independence and ability to choose to connect to the part of that person that is willing to connect.

And throughout the next days, feel in different interactions, with different people how you can connect to that place in your experience that is leaned back, not reactive and free to walk away. And at the same time how you can search for and direct your attention to connect to the part in them that is open, wanting to connect and ready to accept you.

In this way you can train to step away from where others are trapped, from their stories, and be in your own space and freedom, while able to be connected.

Yours

Anna

Photo by Daniel Curran on Unsplash