What kind of frined are you?

Today is the birthday of a dear friend of mine, and it made me think about friendships, the relationships we have in our lives, and how we are in them.

Relationships are one of the most wounded topics we can touch, as well as the one that is so important for us to mend and nourish to feel fulfilled and well.

It is THE thing that accompanies us from conception on if you think about it.

Our relationship history defines so much of our trust in ourselves, in life, and others.

Our ability to continue to create relationships we feel well in is such an important thing to master if you do not want to end up living bitter and feeling lonely.

It is a challenging one, no doubt.

We start off being dependent on how others treat us, not only to learn how to treat others but, above all, how we treat ourselves.

Then, as we grow and find new friendships, partners, and acquittances, our most wounded and needy parts get entangled in each other. We hold shields of expectations and old disappointments; we project the fears of the past and the disbelief of truly being loved. On the one hand, we wait for the first sign of danger; on the other, we may ignore the red lights signaling us to step away.

When we do not take care of that aspect in our lives, we tend to get into relationships with people who enable us to repeat our relationship - history, and often precisely the chapters we would like never to read again.

When we patiently and courageously do tend to those aspects in us, we are then not only able to see better who around us can celebrate us, love us, and be there for us but also find the little places of contact with many more people, without the shields of protections based in the childish neediness and shame.

Relationships filled with love, where we manage to be ourselves and not only with the manageable part but also the parts where we stumble, are a gift accepted with our courage to have our hearts stay open to others and so much so to ourselves.

The light that warms the cold seasons and the safety net let us spread our wings.

Creating these kinds of relationships makes life worth mastering and all that we go through much sweeter.

And you know what, when we grow in how we treat each other and heal the wounds of relationships, it spills out into the world and every interaction. We are all affecting the way the world moves. We participate in mending the trauma we share, open up to see each other, and move the world into a better place to live in.

I invite you to start and explore how you are in your relationships.

Where do you hold onto old expectations from others and yourself? And why? What do these expectations promise you?

Where do you hold back? And where do you see the other person as your "enemy"?

Where are you unable to move away, and where do you tend to close off?

What is the point in your relationships where you tend not to listen to yourself and "beg" for love? And when can you hear the other person and shoot out of your old shame and hurt?

How about doing one step of creating more ease and trust in your interactions?

Start to pay attention to your chest and breathe in different interactions. Catch yourself in the moments you close off your chest, in fear or maybe in anger.

Stay with that state of closing off, but this now with awarness for a few seconds, and discover what you are responding to and what fear is underneath that reaction.

Then, start by choosing to open up. Breathe into the chest and insist on opening it, letting whatever emotion or sensations move in and through your whole body.

Keep on breathing and try to connect to the whole body- experience.

If you find yourself frozen, bring some soft movement to your body, releasing the grip of that old fear and connecting to your agency and present grown-up being, confidence, and ease.

Then, see if you can say something to invite the other person to listen and be there for you.

Consider what decisions and wishes you avoid expressing to and with that person.

What you need and want is yours. It is yours to know, create, and experience. The other person needs to be aware of your choices and needs so that she can choose to engage. Your ability to be with your choice and need without being needy or impatient (as impatience is a state of fear and lack of self-trust) is preventing communication that is pressuring or deceiving. It ensures a way of meeting that is inviting and confident and gives both the freedom to be.

Remember that the other person is also operating from their own story, fear-based interpretation of the situation, and tries to save themselves from hurt or shame.

When you train to consciously take that inviting state of being, daring to let the other "in" while not fearing any hint of a possible "NO," you will be engulfed by trust, joy, and satisfaction each time you meet and interact.

Keep on training to do that and see what shifts in you and your relationships.

Yours,

Anna

Photo by Joshua Clay on Unsplash