When may you be internally looking for permission?

We train our children to depend on permission to act and express themselves.

Children need the advice of adults to learn how to adapt better and move the world.

Sadly, the power structures of control and the layers of generational traumas in our culture twist that guidance into permission.

For some of us, the way permission was (not) given entered so profoundly that we are still looking for permission to "exist."

Permission as children has many faces. But, first, it may simply be the need for love and acceptance.

When we were feeling not held, loved, or accepted, we had to find signs proving we were on the right track to receive that love and be safe.

The love we were (not getting) getting was such a vulnerable place. It was quickly disrupted by the fears our caregivers have, by their emotional states. By their lack of awareness or the way, they carry this need for permission themselves.

Children are alert to any shift in their surroundings and caregivers. It is our survival mechanism. The ability to perceive others is still active today. It is valuable to our interactions and relationships. We need to release it from the entanglement of the old need for permission.

The habit of looking for permission hides in us.

An unseen cloud around us brings heaviness to our hearts and blurriness to our view of our life and option.

It can hide in need for approval, fear of rejection, feeling out of place or as feeling not enough, needing to meet the expectations of others, to feel right or good about who we are and what we do.

It can hide in need for approval, fear of rejection, feeling out of place or as feeling not enough, needing to meet the expectations of others, to feel right or good about who we are and what we do.

The need for permission steals our trust and connection to our values when carried into adulthood. It makes us believe that what we want and who we are is "bad" or hurts others. As a result, we either succumb to it or continuously compromise ourselves and avoid sensing and doing what we want. Or on the other side, we may become pushy, harden our hearts, and harsh and arrogant when we express what we wish to while fearing rejection or a possible conflict.

Who we are and what we want is only ours to know and reveal.

No one owns our lives but us.

Deep in who we are, we are free. No place outside of us can validate or take our truth away.

Detecting the places where the need is still active in us is valuable, releasing old fears that may block us, having a deep sense of connectivity to ourselves and others, and the door with which our creativity and uniqueness can pour into the world.

I invite you to take the time and detect it.

It is a habit that we mistake to be part of our judgment or as our motivation.

Please take a moment, close your eyes, and remember how it felt to seek permission from your parents, teachers, or siblings.

What kind of permission and approval were you trying to receive as approval, acceptance, and feeling that you are OK and can be happy?

Take the time to connect to that old fear and longing.

Pay attention to how it feels: what did you have to do to manage, survive, repress, and better manage the circumstances?

Stay with that sensation, and the efforts of repression, numbing, or pushing against you have needed to adapt.

Then in your mind's eyes, remember the person with which you had that need for permission, and while starting to breathe into that place on your body, and agreeing to feel the vulnerability of it, ask them: "Why Not?"

Keep asking that question, and each time you wait for the answer, breathe and connect to your body and strength, even if it initially feels unpleasant or "too much."

Keep asking until you perceive how that person is bringing their pain, fear, and difficulty.

Then make sure that with the breath connecting to your body and feeling your legs and hips and ability to move and walk, you stand up, put your hands on your chest, feeling the fullness in your heart, you say:" I am sorry for your lack. I am sorry you could not", and then while taking slowly few steps back while breathing, say: "I take my life back." "This is my life, and I own it all."

Then when it feels complete, turn slowly around, breathe while feeling your back and the space behind you, and walk a few steps forward into your own life while saying each time, in each step, say: "I need…." Whatever you need and want.

To be aware of that part in your life and regain more of yourself, you can then think:

When do you tend to create that reaction and state of being today?

How do you look for approval sense of permission to feel good? When do you look for permission to want, feel or express? Are there any areas in life that hold more of the old need for approval? Could specific people trigger it?

You might look at the moments when you tend to "hide" things you do or want….

At times, this need for permission can lead to some unpleasant confrontations, in which you feel the need to become pushy, put the other person down, and become somewhat cold-hearted to create a sense of strength.

Having that "map of permission," you can take each day a moment and interact and train not to wait for permission and not fight the fear of not knowing what the reaction will be until this fear dissipates and you become open and confident.

Enjoy owning your life,

Anna

Photo by Mark König on Unsplash