Who is right in a fight? The holy space of relationships

Did you notice that all your relationships are actually spaces you create and hold with another person? We, being the space holders, determine what enters that space and what we want to keep out. Creating that space starts with us building bridges that connect us. Bridges that allow us to step out, expose ourselves and build trust through which we then create a mutual reality, that is the space we choose to share and maintain. This space, should be treated as a holy pace we have to guard. It is a space held from both sides.  A space we need to guard by the clarity of what we and who we are. It is a not an easy space to guard as it demands us to enter it being ourselves; Not retreating into a state of defensiveness or by being the sole responsible to it.  Our inner demons, the "creatures" of some darker past times will always find a way to sneak in. They will find their way in especially when someone provokes and touches our deepest hurts and fears, we may have kept unhealed and hidden.  They love those moments. It is their feasting time. When we avoid meeting those unpleasant sensation and memories in us, when we rather numb and run away, they step in with their full glory.

They pull out a special magnifying glass that seems to paint everything in the color of blame and self-righteousness. Our ears become deaf to the world of the other person. They convince us that being safe means to barricade ourselves behind a defensive cold and blaming wall, onto which they project the images of the ones that hurts us or neglected us in the past.

When they blind us with this old movie, occupying us with looking for all the proofs we can find to justify ourselves and blame the other, they are free to suck the blood and vitality of the relationship like happy leaches.

The bigger they get the more we want to know who is right.

The more we want to find out who is more right the more we eliminate the other from the relationship. The more we eliminate, the more we isolate.

The more we isolate the more difficult it is to find that bridge that will allow us to step into the mutual space we so much want to share.

Those bridges are shaky. They are shaky with our fears. With our mistrust.

The more we breath and dare to open up to walk on those bridges, ready not to be right but to listen, the more stable we and the bridge become.

We can then enjoy the movement, needing less to hold on to being right as a way to fixate everything, and for us to feel safe.

In a space of a relationship the more we are ready not to be the only one who is right, the better chances we have to feel that we are acknowledged. The easier it is to be heard. The more honest we can be about what we need and want, without being so afraid of expressing it.

And yes being the only one who is right is a wonderful drug. It gives a sense of power. Power over someone else. Having power over someone (even if only in our minds) is a trap. It seems to give us a kick for a moment bit it keeps us empty. We need to constantly insist on being right. We lose options for ourselves. And the worse thing is, is that our hearts stop from being alive.

So don’t believe those creatures who tempt you to have a heart of stone.

To be right.

It might feel safe, but you will be imprisoned.

It is as if you have a hound dog that is constantly barking and threatening everyone around you especially the ones who might come near. It won’t allow you to express freely who you are. It barks so loud that it won’t let you feel what you need nor trust that you can refuse when you need to.

To step away from the temptation of being self-righteous means that you let go of that tight leash you hold in your hand. Literally let go of the effort in your hands and arms. Letting go of a leash that holds your heart tight and your lungs restricted.

You need to breath. Dare to feel the space inside of your chest.

Let your belly be soft.

And then let go of the leash that you keep in your mind around people: trying to know how they should be better.

You will be surprised how this leash will also free you from the background noise of doubting yourself all the time.

When you let go of the leash, connect to your legs.

It might feel wobbly at the beginning.

Give yourself a moment to get used to this new reality.

Now open your ears. And then let go of your eyes.

Try not to search for what you think you should see, but rather look. Let life enter through your eyes. Let life entre through your ears.

Allow the other person be next to you without building a separation wall.

Breath if it is uncomfortable.

Don’t run away inside of yourself.

Stay. Be ready to meet.

Decide what you want to create in that space you are responsible for.

With that choice, see how you can meet the other person.

When you meet you would know where you have a connection and where you differ.