Why do bad habits die hard? And the new ones cannot be forced ….

Habits are structure of actions we give and gave the choices we make.

They are the realizations of our intentions.

They are held in place by the power of our needs and emotions to create safety and comfort to our whole selves.

They are supposed to cultivate actions that help us to protect and increase our health, happiness, connection and growth. They are supposed to support us. Create stability and at the same time adaptability to different times and phases of our lives.

Most of the bad habits we have today, were once “good” ones.

They were put in place to allow us to deal with hurts and fears that seemed to overwhelm us. They were the substitutes for the actions we needed to make in order to achieve healing, relief and freedom from that which was damaging us.

Actions we could not, or thought we could not, express.

They were the expression to the hurts we could not speak about and share.

They were how we mourned and exchanged the tears we could not shed.

They were the emergency exits we took when we could not leave.

They were the imagined hugs we did not receive.

These habits became “bad” once they were keeping us trapped in the old helplessness or powerlessness.

These bad habits were a band-aid aiming to block the immediate bleeding to our hurt spirit, heart, body or intelligence.

But like every band-aid, they need to be taken off and allow that wounded part to heal.

It is the process we have to go through so that we will be free from old traumas, or other hurtful experiences.

The longer these “ba(n)d - aids” are kept in place, the more we fall into vicious cycles of self-control and need for a quick fix of relief which then turns into self-hate and self-mistrust.

We are sure that these habits are simply who we are.

We identify with them so much that we have lost the memory of us creating those habits to help ourselves to manage. The way we created a substitute to what we missed and longed for.

If you would like to change a bad habit you have, you cannot only “forcefully” exchange it with new actions.

You can, but if the old hidden need and hurt will be acknowledged, then your “new good habit” will be another band-aid.

Think of it that your old habit is holding the most precious part of yourself. It tries to protect it, even if it seems not the case.

Like a very protective parent the habit will not give up so easily. Or like a loyal door keeper that will not let anyone in, if it may seem to harm you.

But like an over protective parent, or a blindly loyal protector, it forgot that you are able and capable. It has difficulty to let go and realize that not everything is dangerous, even if some moments may remind it of danger. It needs some time to see that you are in good hands.

In the good hands of the present. In the good hands of who you are today and what is available to you.

That you are able to deal with the emotions and needs that once seemed to overwhelm you.

And this is now your work.

This is the first thing you have to do in order to change those bad habits.

To step away from that vicious cycle that keeps you held in self-hate, self-mistrust and at the end of the day making you perceive others with overly increased suspicion and resistance.

Think of one bad habit you would like to change.

I suggest you write the next answer for the upcoming questions down, so it will not be burdening your mind:

What habit would you want to change?

Why do you want to change it? How do you suffer from it?

Why and when do you keep returning to this habit?

How do you feel before and after you repeat this habit?

How do you see you usually try to change this habit?

Can you remember the times in your life you had this habit or maybe even starting it? (It can be something similar to the current habit. It may have changed a little in your life)

What were you feeling in the time you first remember creating this habit for yourself?

How did this habit help you in the past? How did it keep you safe and from what?

What was not available for you in the time, that the habit was substituting?

Now let’s take a moment and let’s find the experience trapped in this habit.

Close your eyes and take couple of deep breathes to make sure you are feeling more of your body.

Now remember the habit you want to shift.

What is the feeling and experience in your body that arises?

Feel how all of you is trying to protect you from the feeling or sensation arises.

Feel the tensing up.

The lack of breath.

The freezing of movement.

The shift in how you perceive yourself and the world around you.

Pay attention to what you expect to happen to you.

Stay with that awareness and keep that experience in your body.

Feel that all of those efforts, and stuck movements and breaths, are the way you have created a sense of protection and safety for yourself.

Feel that out of this state you would then “do this habit” (eat / starve, run, drink, get angry, shop, talk, have sex, and so on). Feel how the way you act is out of helplessness. Out of not being able to be with the experience, memory or emotion.

Take a moment and within this state, ask yourself, or that door keeper part of yourself: what is it that I / you was / were trying to achieve?

When the “answer” comes- tell that part: “Thank you. You / I did great for that difficult time”.

Now feel the choice with in you to breath and dare to sense what you could not in the past. Remember that all of the emotions or sensations, are memories that got stuck in you. It is nothing dangerous for you in this moment to feel. The more you dare to breathe, move and give space to that fear, hurt, shame or discomfort the more trust with in yourself you would have. The easier it will be to move away from that “bad habit”.

Give yourself the time to sit with it. Move with it. Voice it. Breath it.

Continue to let go of the efforts of squeezing numbing or freezing in your body.

Whatever sensation and emotions come, give space for it. The more you do the more you can digest those old traumas and hurts. The more healing starts to happen. The more the energy that was invested in protection is now freed for transformation.

The more you will feel capable.

The more you can trust yourself.

Your mission now is to allow all the expression that were “forbidden” or dangerous in the past. Tears might have been dangerous. If they come, let them flow.

Shivering may feel dangerous, like a loss of control. Try to let it be. This is how your body, you, release old threats that got stuck in you.

If anger and strength were taboos, let it be there.

Give it the space it needs.

It may come like a wave, which you would need to ride and breath and expand at its peak.

It also might all be silent and gentle.

And now remember that intention you had in the past, maybe as a child, and promise yourself (maybe your old self) that you will take care of it. No need to hide anymore.

Thank again that habit for its service and then breathe and feel what is the intention, the wish or the need that you can free now?

Feel it not only as a sentence in your head but try to sense it and give it place in the whole of yourself.

If it is for example being loved- then feel it in you. Feel how you can let yourself feel being loved. How can you stop closing yourself? How can you stop falling into the choice of self-hate and doubt and instead breath and search for the sensation of being loved.

Or if it is being more outgoing and creative, feel that in you. There might be immediate ideas and warning of where you may lose it (where you tend to be more afraid) and then use it to breath, let the fear and excitement flow in your body and train to have that start of creativity or being out going in you.

The more you do that, the more you will find the actions and new habits that will support it. The more you will be able to recognize what you need as help and the steps to build and strengthen that part and wish in your life.

Stay attentive to the physical sensation and experience, as well as how you then can be connected to the space around you.

Use this again and again throughout you day, especially in the parts of the day and in situations that can call that old bad habit back. Do that until that part of yourself is convinced that it is in good hands. The more you stay with that intention and rooted in your body and its expansiveness, especially in the most challenging emotional moments, the more convincing you are.

Yours,

Anna

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash